World Exclusive on Keeping up with The Joneses:
Dr Curly’s Guide to a Healthy Rock Climbing Road Trip©
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Dr Curly |
In these exclusive excerpts from Dr Curly’s Guide to a Healthy Rock Climbing Road Trip©, Dr Curly shares with you some of his secrets. Available only online at the sensational price of $50!
Dr Curly explores the various ails and injuries that may affect you or your partner on that all-important climbing road trip. Examining the causes, symptoms and ways of avoiding the most common conditions in easy-to-follow sections such as dermatology and neuropsychiatry. Drawn from literally weeks of experience in the field, Dr Curly’s Guide to a Healthy Rock Climbing Road Trip© is a truly comprehensive guide.
Crack Climber’s Knuckle
This all too common condition affects not only the Neanderthal climbers amongst us, but anyone who chooses to climb a significant number of cracks. Forget those short Yorkshire struggles up mere metres of fissure, we are talking thirty metre plus splitters in places such as Indian Creek, Utah. You may scoff and sneer at those “soft” Americans with their tape gloves and funny ideas, but they do have a point. Omit gloves on day one “to see what its like”, and you will be regretting it for many weeks to come. Even when those initial grazes have turned to deep holes and you are now wearing tape gloves the pain will continue! Tape up now! Right now!
“Hand Jammies” (commercially available rubber gloves), are still cheating.
Aid Climber’s Finger
Although not unique to aid climbers, this is a painful condition of the fingernails. Repeatedly bashing the fingertips leads to splitting of the nail down into the nail bed, and although not noticed at the time, will cause intense pain the next time you choose to wash your hands. Climbing in cold conditions will aggravate the symptoms. Making margaritas whilst suffering Aid Climber’s Finger is not recommended. Avoiding this condition is extremely difficult, but regular hand washing and the use of moisturiser will shorten the length of your discomfort. Or don’t go aid climbing.
Off-Width Epilation Syndrome
Ever wanted to know what it was like to be a serious road cyclist? Then peddle your way up some gnarly wide cracks in shorts, flimsy trousers or short-sleeves and you’ll soon find out. The patho-phsyiology of this skin complaint leading to hair loss on the outside of the lower leg or forearms is straightforward. Whilst wedging the aforementioned limb into a crack which will accept it, or nearly accept it, the process of either slithering upwards, or more likely, sliding downwards, removes the hairs. The first time is pain free and some may even be pleased with the results. The second time this happens however, the protective hairs are gone and the next layer down is skin. Much bleeding and the need for cold-washing your trousers follows.
Avoidance of Off-Width Epilation Syndrome is in the taping of the forearms for the truly serious (which comes with its own epilating problems), and the wearing of thick jeans. Indian Creek’s habituees seem to prefer work-man’s Carrharts.
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| Dr Curly already suffering from Off-width Epilation Syndrome and making things worse. |
Rubber Shoe Foot-Rot
Rubber Shoe Foot-Rot is extremely common in the climbing community and related to the infamous Trench Foot. We’ve all suffered from that peeling, smelly, soft foot skin that comes with prolonged wearing of tight fitting, synthetic, unlined rubber shoes, without socks. Rubber Shoe Rot in its worst manifestation, for example on Road Trips, is resistant to all treatments, be they anti-fungal powders or creams, airing or washing of the shoes or regular foot care. Basically, get used to that smell.
Rappeller’s Hand
This is similar to the sort of blistering seen in those who favour self abuse. Blisters appear on the palms of the hands, particularly the right hand, after repeatedly rappelling (abseiling). This is worsened by the use of skinny, static ropes which abraid the skin at a much faster rate than normal ropes. Avoiding Rappeller’s Hand is simple – walk off the route or wear gloves for rappelling, (something else those pesky Americans got right!).
Climbing-Related Carpal Tunnel Syndrome (CRCTS)
CRCTS has only recently been described, in fact, by Dr Curly himself. This is a painful condition of the hands, usually both, which follows a day or two on a Big Wall. Symptoms include pain and pins and needles of the hands and weakness so severe that it can lead to difficulty opening twist-top beer bottles. As you are now realising, this is a very serious condition. Ensuring that your climbing partner is nearby when it is beer o’clock is key to limiting CRCTS’s effects. Other tactics include going to the pub and buying beer that comes in a glass.
Cam-Banger’s Thigh
Cam Banger’s Thigh is a benign condition related to climbing or walking with a large rack of camming devices hanging from your harness. It is worsened by Big Walling. Cam-Banger’s Thigh is easily recognised as groups of small bruises on the outsides of the thighs and can be a cosmetic nuisance for the fairer sex.
Cam-Banger’s Thigh should not be confused with Thrutcher’s Thigh which is caused by climbing too many chimneys and off-width cracks.
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| Marian at risk of Cam-Banger's Thigh |
During a Road Trip day time food may be limited to high energy "Clif Bars". Although good for nutrition, they are not necessarily good for the digestive or olfactory systems. A bloated stomach, gaseous eruptions and olfactory offense form the classic triad of Clif's Belly. It may contribute to Mission-fever (see below).
Avoidance of Clif's Belly is simple - Leave those Clif bars alone!
Pitcher's Elbow
This painful condition is one of the commonest causes of CNMS (see below). Although Pitcher's elbow affects people who climb a lot of pitches, it is actually named as such because it affects baseball pitchers. The cause in climbers is too much cranking.
Prevention can be attempted with personalised wrist exercises and elbow stretches. Unfortunately Pitcher's elbow can strike at any time, manifesting as severe pain on the inside of the elbow.
Treatment options include more stretching, straps, lubrication and massage therapy and stopping climbing. However I, (Dr Curly), would recommend purchasing a large tub of ibuprofen, swallowing that pride, not pulling off the hard ones and settling for the some softer routes.
Climbers Non-Climbing Melancholy Syndrome (CNMS)
CNMS is a neuro-psychiatric syndrome and is the most serious of the conditions described in Dr Curly’s Guide to a Healthy Rock Climbing Road Trip©. It affects all but the least enthusiastic climbers when something comes between them and going climbing. CNMS will jeopardise the success of even the best planned Rock Climbing Road Trip. Symptoms can include lethargy, low mood, mutism, irritability and excess alcohol consumption. The latter can be difficult to identify from normal patterns of drinking.
CNMS has a complicated and varied aetiology. Causes include poor weather, poverty, compulsory sight-seeing and some of the other conditions described in Dr Curly’s Guide to a Healthy Rock Climbing Road Trip©.
Prevention is the key in CNMS. Further research is currently being carried out to discover the most effective methods. Preliminary results suggest that when climbing is not possible, mountain-biking may be a promising strategy in CNMS prevention.
Post Traumatic Sending Disorder (PTSD)
PTSD is a persistence of the uncomfortable memories of a route and is a rare condition predominantly affecting women.
In contrast, Pseudo-PTSD (PPTSD) is a very common disorder and although relatively benign in itself can lead to the sufferer finding themselves in another uncomfortable situation on another route. PPTSD is characterised by amnesia of the cold/pain/fear or any other discomfort experienced on a route, usually a Big Wall. This leads the climber to attempt yet another long climb only to experience PPTSD once again.
When one partner is suffering from PTSD and the other PPTSD this can cause friction and jeopardise a successful Rock Climbing Road Trip. Dr Curly’s Guide to a Healthy Rock Climbing Road Trip© dedicates an entire chapter to prevention of this potential conflict. There may even be the need for outside help in the form of relationship counseling.
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| PPTSD/PTSD may not be apparent until some hours after the summit. |
Mission Fever
Mission Fever is a Road Trip variation of the classic "Cabin Fever". It is characterised by irritability and nearly always affects both climbers on the Road Trip simultaneously. Mission Fever usually manifests after several weeks of living in close proximity in the "Mission Wagon". Mission Fever is confounded by Clif's Belly and PPTSD/PTSD. There is a close association with body odour levels of the affected climbing team.
There is only one treatment for Mission Fever - Go to Las Vegas and book into a hotel.
As you will have read from these abridged sections of Dr Curly’s latest bestseller there is plenty to worry about on your Rock Climbing Road Trip. The only way to avoid these concerns is to take action and purchase your copy of Dr Curly’s Guide to a Healthy Rock Climbing Road Trip© NOW! The first one thousand orders will receive a free copy of Dr Curly’s Big Wall Weight Loss Program and a complementary chocolate camming device.
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