No Going Back?

They say that when you fall off a horse, you should just get back in the saddle.  What about if you fall off a big wall?

Moonlight Buttress, Zion

Courtesy of Rita Rosenblum

So here is a little video documentary of our ascent of Moonlight Buttress, a classic aid route in Zion National Park, Utah.  Although it was only 9 pitches high, there was a lot of aid climbing so it took 2 days.  On the first day, we climbed up 4 pitches (I led my first aid pitch), before fixing our ropes and abseiling back down to the ground.  Snow and cold weather were forecast for the next day so that evening we celebrated my birthday with dinner and a few drinks.  On November 11th, we headed back to Moonlight to jug up our fixed ropes and finish the job.

Here's the story (make sure your sound is on):

Dr Curly’s Guide to a Healthy Rock Climbing Road Trip©

World Exclusive on Keeping up with The Joneses: 

Dr Curly’s Guide to a Healthy Rock Climbing Road Trip©

Dr Curly

Best selling author of Climbing Injuries and How I Survived Them, and Dr Curly’s Big Wall Weight Loss Program, self-proclaimed climbing health expert of many weeks experience, Dr Curly, brings you his latest self-help guide.

Iconic Route Bagged

The temptation proved overwhelming.... The skyline each night and each morning beckoned as we drove the short distance from the campground to the climbing in Indian Creek.  The Six-Shooter peaks stand there in the West, alone above the plateau of the desert, reminding me that there is more to climbing than one pitch cracks with bolts at top, however good they are.

So, after a few days of learning the ropes at "The Creek", it was time.  Lightening Bolt Cracks on North Six-Shooter the objective.  The first problem, the approach.  The Dark Star has fair clearance, but is not 4*4, and this mandated several miles walk in along the jeep road.  We didn't have a map, or any other further directions other than that there would (probably) be a cairn marking the start of the path up the scree to the base of the climbing.  Our luck was in, within 5 minutes of walking up the trail some jeepers stopped their pick-up and we rode in the flatbed for a couple of miles until they started driving in the wrong direction.  There's was the only vehicle we saw all day.

Amazingly there was a cairned trail up through various layers of steep sandy nastiness to the base of the climb proper, which we reached after another hour or so.

The first pitch is the supposed crux (5.11).  As has so often been the case in the desert, this proved to be misleading.  A couple of "thin hands" moves above bomber gear cleared the documented crux section within the first 10 metres of the climbing.  Sweet, I thought, as I cruised up the next section of "perfect hands".   Then came the "offwidth" (5.10).  Damn, no gear big enough and runout about 3 metres above my last decent piece.  The inevitable struggle and more bleeding and adrenalin followed.  But I made it to the first belay.

The second pitch, again 5.10, loomed.  After cruising many routes of the same grade in the Creek it came as a shock to the system as after several aborted attempts of getting off a little ledge 10 metres up, using a "tips crack" (fingertips), I had to resort to jumping for a sloping hold within the crack system. I'm sure a six-footer wouldn't have had the same difficulties! Did I then just blast to the belay?  I wish.  A few metres up came the "fists" section.  Too big to jam, even with "cupped hands" and too small to put in a proper fist jam, I had to resort to torqued fists as I struggled through the overhang, heart pumping and hands hurting.

The last pitch, starting at the apex of a cool overhang, about 100 metres above the base, was the easiest, and most dangerous pitch.  Naturally.  All was well until the last 5 metres below the summit.  Some way above dodgy gear in increasingly sandy and loose sandstone came the infamous "squeeze" (5.9).  So there I am way above the last piece of dodgy gear wedged in this flaring bottomless sand filled chimney squirming my way towards the summit using every single muscle in my body.  I find it hard to describe how glad I was to reach the top.  Stoked comes close.

The summit was of course worth it....

Having a Cracking Time

With Simon injured, life in Moab was miserable! Our bike hire funds had run out and our passports were stuck in San Francisco so we couldn't escape. To make matters worse it had started raining. In the desert! Fancy that! We were forced to resort to the very British tradition of sight-seeing in the rain!

Then, we were rescued from depression by a text from Mike and Signe, the climbing Kiwis we had met in Yosemite. They were in town too. Over several beers we decided to escape the rain and head to Indian Creek - a place full of crack climbs - surely hand jams wouldn't hurt Si's elbows!

Mike and Signe.  They revived our climbing trip!

The next day as we drove south along the 191, the silence in the van was audible. Si was more miserable than ever. Now he wasn't just stuck in America and unable to climb, he was going to be stuck in one of the world's best climbing spots and unable to climb. "let's just give it a go" I said, "it's ok" he replied "I'll just sit in the campsite while you go climbing with Mike and Signe". Yeah, right. Like that was ever going to happen!

So here's some pictures of Simon not climbing at Indian Creek!

3am Crack

3am Crack, a little bit higher.

Really not enjoying himself on Pente

Crack Attack

Battle of the Bulge.

The thing is - I really don't like crack-climbing. No style or grace, it's hard to dance up the rock when all four of  your limbs are stuck in a crack. Plus it's really painful! Unlike Simon, I don't enjoy pain! But I was willing to stay here and learn because at least Si could climb here and was no longer living under a black cloud. That's love, that is!

So here's some pictures of me learning to climb cracks plus some shots of the rest of the crew!

We're Jammin'

We're Jammin'

We're Jammin'

We're Jammin'

We're Jammin'

We're Jammin'

We're Jammin'

We're Jammin'

I Hope You Like Jammin' Too!

Welcome to America.  Welcome to the gun show!

What Simon and Marian Did Next

So apart from one posting, there hasn't been that much activity on the blog recently. Why is that? Try this multiple choice quiz to discover what Marian and Simon did next.

1. After Yosemite, Simon and Marian
a) got married in Reno and have spent the last couple of weeks in a budget motel room in Nevada.
b) got bored of climbing and opted to go on a package cultural tour of the US instead.
c) decided to go to Idaho, that US Mecca of sport climbing!

2. Soon after they arrived at City of Rocks, Marian and Simon
a) realised that the climbing was rubbish, returned to Yosemite, and have been stuck in a 5.8 chimney
    route ever since.
b) had to flee to Colorado to escape a storm and tornado threat.
c) Joined a Born Again Christian cult and are now living with an extended family in Twin Falls.

3. Simon and Marian decided not to stay long in Boulder, Colorado because
a) There was no camping accommodation except for a high level, damp forest that was miles out of
    town and inhabited by “Transients”.
b) their passports are at the Kiwi embassy, and therefore they did not have the appropriate ID to buy
    beer.
c) Si injured himself on a poxy sport route in Boulder Canyon.
d) All of the above. 

4. Which bit of Simon is injured (more than one answer may apply)?
a) his finger
b) his shoulder
c) his neck
d) his wrist
e) his groin
f) his elbow
g) his other elbow

5. Unable to climb, Marian and Simon have decided to
a) go to Moab, a little-known mountain biking town in Utah, and hire full suss machines to partake in
   some slickrock action.
b) return to Newcastle and resume their former lives.
c) open a “Good Time Saloon” on the Nevada border to fund Simon's plan to retrain as a doctor in the
    US

Answers:
Surely you don't need them?!

The Jones Team Take On The Incredible Hulk: High Jinks in the High Sierras

The Incredible Hulk

Giant, raging monster in the High Sierras

Alter Egos:

• 11,120' mountain

Abilities:

• colour changing
• crack systems that increase in size as you ascend
• rock hurling

Weaknesses:

• Corner and splitter cracks

The Joneses

Mediocre climbing tag team

Alter Egos:

• Dr Curly and the Mazter

Abilities:

• harnessing the forces of friction

Weaknesses:

• path-finding

We took a few days to recover from the Dr Curly’s Weight Loss Programme, gorging ourselves on American-sized portions of high calorie burgers and bbqs in Lee Vining. We were joined by two gnarly old timers - Spike, founder of Nevisport, and Stu Gallagher, an intrepid ex-teacher from Co. Durham. They regaled us with tales of far-flung adventure while taking doses from a gallon bottle of medicinal whisky (purchased, along with some pipe tobacco, from the pharmacy).

A heat wave descended on America and the High Sierras beckoned, so we took on the mountain mission to conquer a couple of high altitude adversaries: The Incredible Hulk and his henchman, Dana.

Third Pillar of Dana

Monday 27th September found us ready for action and dressed in our skin-tight merino wool costumes (amazing thermal and smell-reduction properties). We trekked in a predawn light through crispy frost up to the Dana Plateau. From here we missed the recommended approach and made a scary, scrambled descent to the base of Third Pillar of Dana. The sun had now risen and we had to strip off multiple thermal layers (my cold endurance training on Half Dome had been in vain). A couple of hours of awesome climbing followed. Leaning blocks, and layback flakes led to a spectacular final pitch which topped out on steep jugs. Thanks for suggesting this one, Pickles. Dana was dispatched and we were ready to take on the big one!

The next day we headed to the fishing resort of Twin Lakes and commenced the walk-in the Hulk. We made it through the RV park and aspen woods ok, but the usual Jones skill at path-finding then took us into a pine wood and led to multiple efforts to cross a river via beaver dams.

Once across the water, we hit the cairned trail again only to lose it once more on the scree slopes. Eventually we arrived on the plateau below the hulking mass. Here we found a veritable crowd of wannabe climbing superheroes camping out. Damn! Word about the heat wave must have got out!

Collecting Giardia

As the sun swung low, the orange Hulk turned a fiery red (when does it go green?) and we prepared our evening bivvy.

Early to bed and an early start meant that Team Jones were first on the route. Our plan was to attack the Hulk via The Red Dihedral. Pitch four was the crux – 30m of strenuous 10b corner crack. As Si made his way carefully up the Dihedral, the teams behind caught up and grew impatient, but once we were passed this pitch we soon regained our lead. The Joneses were the only partnership not to rest on gear on the way up!

Eight more pitches of great climbing followed, most in glorious sunshine. Then we reached the last pitch and the final challenge. Being a tunnel aficionado, I took this one on. Loose choss led into a dank chimney, which topped out through a small window in the rock. I had to perform a hip-dislocating frog-like manoeuvre to get through. Thank God I was wearing figure-hugging, Kat-style leggings. Amazingly, Si managed to squeeze his beefed-up Dr Curly torso through as well!

I made it through, but it might be a struggle for Simon!

Here he comes, will he get any further?

He'll make it! Good job he was wearing his figure-hugging ninja suit!

The Incredible Hulk had been defeated, but the battle was not yet won. On the descent, our glory basking lasted until we reached the pine forest and the light faded. Here, our trail-detection powers failed us. We criss-crossed the river and ended up in a swamp. As Si set a squelching course through the wetlands I called out “I don’t think this is the right way” “Neither do I” he shouted back “But at least we’ll get to where we want to be”! I stepped in to follow my partner in climb and squealed as I sank up to my knees in cold, muddy water.  As my shoes filled with oozing mank, I tried not to think about leeches and water snakes. If only we had the power to teleport!

Dr Curly’s Big Wall Weight Loss Program™

Dr Curly
Big Wall "Expert"

NEW! - Endorsed by self-proclaimed Big Wall Cleaning expert and Gosforth Punter Marian Jones-Jones.

Marian Jones, never far from the poo-tube (the orange thing).

As a medical professional and big wall climber of a few days experience, people often ask me about the optimum way of losing weight. Up until now I’ve not been able to give them a good enough answer. Now, however, after extensive field testing and research, I can recommend Dr Curly’s Big Wall Weight Loss Program™. This is a fast, effective and lasting way of losing weight.


For a full and personalised programme you will need a credit card at hand and to re-mortgage. But, as a FREE OFFER, just to you, I can give you a small taster of what Dr Curly’s Big Wall Weight Loss Program™ can do for you and how to do it. Part of the joy of Dr Curly’s Big Wall Weight Loss Program™ is that it is essentially a two-for-one offer as both people in the team will benefit. Just stick to the advice below in order to maximise calorie consumption and minimise that excess fat!

Route Choice
This is the first and most important stage of Dr Curly’s Big Wall Weight Loss Program™. The Big Wall route you choose must push both partners’ ability. As a baseline for free climbing routes the Yosemite 5.9 grade covers a good and unpredictable range of difficulties in a variety of rock features.

Aid climbing is a strenuous activity for both leader and cleaner, so be sure to include a route with a significant amount of aid pitches. The route must be long, sustained in difficulty and involve strenuous features such as chimneys, corners and squeezes to guarantee a full body work out. Twenty or more pitches should be the minimum length. A substantial amount of traversing will ensure challenging hauling conditions, (see below), and an added psychological stress for both climbers.

Dr Curly on Pitch 13, one of the infamous chimney pitches of Half Dome NW Face.

 A route at altitude will add to calorie consumption, as will a route with a northerly aspect. Being constantly cold will increase your body’s calorific needs.

Pick a popular route with a high failure rate. A constant flow of retreating teams as you approach and climb the route will increase anxiety levels and thus calorie consumption. Increased anxiety will lower your hunger too – bonus! On-route these retreating teams will hinder progress and thus increase anxiety further – double bonus!

A route which ticks all these boxes is the North West Face of Half Dome, Yosemite Valley. (VI 5.9 C1+).

The steep side, obviously.

Route Strategy
It is essential to ignore the advice of others. Write off any ideas of a fast alpine ascent, (more time on the route will mean greater opportunities for weight loss), and online beta about equipment required or not required. Always go with the maximum of gear for climbing. Maximise your aid gear such as hooks and your largest and heaviest camming devices.

Whilst climbing, the use of hard to extract pieces of equipment, such as DMM Offset Nuts will ensure maximum energy and time consumption for the cleaner.

Marian weighed down with gear on the Robbins Traverse, pitch 10.

You must be the team carrying the largest and most unwieldy haulbag. In fact, most teams will probably not be carrying a haulbag. Don’t let this put you off! Stick to that Big Wall Strategy! Plan for as many days as possible approaching and climbing the route of your choice. I would suggest a minimum of three nights bivving, two at the base and one on the face.

Be warned – you may come across “Speed Climbers”. Ignore these loons who have only climbed the route a dozen times and are currently doing so in the middle of the night! They will no doubt only be spending a handful of hours on the route that you will be climbing over a period of days. They will have a single short rope, almost no gear and no haulbag. They may have already climbed, or are planning to climb The Nose on the same day. They know nothing of Dr Curly’s Big Wall Weight Loss Program™. Rookies.


Hauling
Hauling is a corner stone of Dr Curly’s Big Wall Weight Loss Program™. The energy required to do so is massive. Time and effort required increases time-pressure and thus anxiety, especially with the inevitable rope snarls and those traverses. It is preferable to have a primary-hauler, which will ensure maximum exhaustion for that member of the team.

What to put in the haulbag is equally important. Bivvi equipment should include a stove, pan and food, (see below). A sleeping mat is advisable, as is a space blanket, but sleeping bags can be left out, (see below).

Water requirements should be greatly exaggerated. Although you may be climbing a north-facing route, go with what you would need on a route of a sunny aspect. At least three litres a day per person is recommended. Plan to have to pour some of that water away on the last bivvi. Calorie consumption and exhaustion will be greatest if you fail to consume this water as you climb.

Hauling will also ensure that you reach the bivvi ledge just after being overtaken by a “lightweight” team. This means second choice for the sleeping spots, perfect. (See Sleeping, below).

Cozy and fresh after 17 hours on the move.

Food
Food choice is another of the cornerstones of Dr Curly’s Big Wall Weight Loss Program™. You should ensure you pick water requiring dried food of low calorie content. This should then be shared between the two members of the climbing team.

For consumption whilst climbing a maximum of two “Clif Bars” per person per day is recommended. This should be adhered to regardless of the length of the day’s climbing, even if it runs to seventeen hours. Weight loss will be enhanced if you forget, or don’t have time to consume these.

Breakfast should consist of small and low energy muesli bars or “Pop Tarts”.


Approach


Let the member of the team who will carry the least on the approach choose which way to get to the bottom of the route. This will mean an approach of some hours, say six, most of which will be a hard slog in the mid-afternoon sun. The team member with the haulbag should be carrying at least thirty-five kilos.

The approach should involve contact with tourists. They will frequently make you stop by asking what you are carrying, increasing the time on the approach. Feel free to amuse yourselves by free-styling on the answers to these questions – a big sleeping bag, parachute, or gloves (!?), in the haulbag are acceptable answers to those prying questions.

Making mistakes route-finding on the approach will mean not only extra time in getting there, but a substantial amount of extra calorie consumption as you ascend several hundred metres in altitude that you didn’t need to. The approach should mean that you actually have to descend to the base of the climb, even if you get the navigation correct.


Sleeping
This is to be avoided at all costs! Not sleeping means that your body’s metabolic demands continue to gallop on. If you are cold and shivering whilst lying down this is best. Three consecutive nights bivving will have the desired effect on your mental status and energy levels to ensure Dr Curly’s Big Wall Weight Loss Program™ has maximum impact.

Rope tight, Marian "enjoys" her third night without a sleeping bag. Pictured on "Big Sandy", at the end of pitch 17.

Whilst bivving on the climb you must be on a narrow ledge, above a precipitous drop of guaranteed fatality. The anxiety this provokes will ensure sleep is not possible as well as the other benefits of anxiety already discussed.

The bivvi ledge will inevitably smell strongly of urine. This does wonders for the appetite.


Night Climbing

Pitch 4 aid-climbing at 4am.

This is recommended on at least one day. Start at 3am to guarantee that several pitches will be ascended pre-dawn. Climbing polished 5.9 cracks with a weak head torch is thoroughly exhausting physically and mentally.


Inter-current Illness

Ideally one of the team should have diarrhoea at all times. One of the team whilst on the approach day and one whilst while climbing seems to work well for keeping that calorie account in the red. Whilst on the Wall this will also ensure more to haul as the poo-tube just keeps getting heavier!


Summit and Descent

The Top. It still smelt of wee.


When you are on the summit of your Big Wall you will have shed several kilos of unwanted weight as well as having gained an enormous sense of achievement. On field testing Dr Curly himself almost felt emotional at the top of Half Dome. Your Dr Curly’s Big Wall Weight Loss Program™ however, is not quite over. You must now get to the pizza restaurant as quickly as you can by jogging for three hours down that same path you slogged up. No eating yet though!

The walking route is surprisingly steep and very slippy!

When you return to your mission-wagon and throw in that haulbag you may now feel free to eat a 16 inch pizza and drink beer until you pass out. You can be safe in the knowledge that it’ll take a few more days of gluttony before you need to follow the Dr Curly’s Big Wall Weight Loss Program™ again.




















The desired effect?

S